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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I am 47 years old. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.


With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.


I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.


But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. Every time there was a message from him, I got this rush of feelings. I was very hooked on him, we often had late night chat secretly, even while we were at work, but mostly when it was in the middle of the night, he always kept me companion.


Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The inebriated scenes:

  • Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel like I am returning back home.